A Pesach Play in Six Irreverent Acts

splitting sea of reeds

Everyone in the family has been given their lines for Act V, but it is sealed, and they don’t know what they are going to say and don’t open the papers until the beginning of Act V.

Narrator: Pharaoh had enslaved the Hebrews and forced them to build his cities, but he was afraid a leader would arise from among the Hebrews and overthrow him. He demanded that the midwives kill all the Hebrew boys. But Shifrah and Puah refused, saying the Hebrew women were so vigorous that they gave birth before the midwives got there. Moses’ mother decided that, to keep him safe, she would get Pharaoh’s daughter to adopt him. And so, Moses grew up as Pharaoh’s grandson, not realizing that he was a Hebrew. 

Act I – We are in Pharaoh’s Palace. Young Moses is played by [NAME]; Pharaoh’s Daughter is played by [NAME].

PROPS: Young Moses wears a princely outfit and crown. Pharaoh’s Daughter wears a princess outfit. 

Act I: Pharaoh’s Palace

Pharaoh’s Daughter: Are you still playing with [names toys] after I told you to go to bed?

Moses: I like living in my beautiful house. I like playing with my [lists his favorite toys]. 

Both exit

Narrator: Eventually, Moses grows up and discovers that he is a Hebrew. In this act, grown up Moses is played by [NAME].

PROPS: Moses wears the crown and is dressed in princely outfit and holds "Scroll of Birth Certificate" tied with ribbon. Pharaoh’s Daughter is dressed as in Act I. 

ENTRANCES: Moses is on the scene first looking at the scroll. Then Pharaoh’s Daughter walks in.

Act II: Pharaoh’s Palace

Moses [Holds up scroll tied with ribbon] What’s this? I found it among my scrolls.

Pharaoh’s Daughter: That’s your birth certificate. 

MosesTakes off ribbon and unfurls it.
It says I was born at Mt. Sinai Hospital. That’s where the Hebrews go to have their babies. (pauses to consider) I must be a Hebrew! I’m going to stop Pharaoh’s slave masters from hurting my people!

Both exit 

Narrator: Moses becomes enraged to see how the slave masters are beating the Hebrews, and he ends up killing one of them. Realizing he is now in danger of being tried for murder, he runs away to Midian and becomes a shepherd. One day, while tending his sheep, he sees something unusual.

PROPS: Play recording of sheep baa’ing.

Moses is dressed as a shepherd. He carries his staff. He is wearing Nikes and has on headphones and is holding an iPhone that is playing a tune, but it is actually on speaker mode so the audience can hear it. The baa'ing and music starts playing before he enters.

Burning Bush is dressed in a Flame Shirt (shirt with yellow and red streamers sewn/pasted onto the back to look like fire). 

ENTRANCES: Moses bops to the music as he enters. After he enters, the burning bush enters from the side and scuttles over to the center of the room, crouching low and hiding face. Only the back of the shirt can be seen.

Act III: Somewhere in the hills of Midian, Moses is tending his sheep

Burning Bush: Moses!

Moses looks confused, checks his earphones, shrugs, puts them back in and resumes bopping.

Burning Bush: Moses!!!

Moses checks his iPhone and says:
What did Apple sell me? Is this one of those refurbished phones? Now I know why it was so cheap.

Burning Bush: MOSES!!!

Moses: (suddenly notices the burning bush) No WAY! That burning bush is calling my name! What’s going on here? This is so rad!

Burning Bush: Moses! Take off your Nikes. <pause for laugh> Where you are standing is holy ground.

Moses: Are you serious? Do you have ANY IDEA what I paid for these?

Burning Bush: Yeah. Been there – done that! 
(Now with exasperation) Acch! Moses, GET REAL! Check it out. I’m talking to you from a burning bush. Don’t you think you should show some RESPECT?!

Moses: OK, but don’t steal them. My credit card is maxed out <pause for laugh> and I’ll have to wait for the next billing cycle to replace them. [takes his shoes off]

Burning Bush: You will go back to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to LET MY PEOPLE GO.

Everyone singsGo Down, Moses

Moses: Right … go back to the 'hood and have a convo with the Pharaoh. That dude TERRIFIES me, and besides, you know how hard it is for me to – uh – (checks script and reads
Remember – My – Lines.

Burning Bush: Don’t worry, I’ll get your brother, Aaron, to help you.

Moses: Even if we get past the gates with the security cameras and his armed posse and fan club, who should I say sent me? GREAT BALLS OF FIRE?

Burning Bush: Tell him “I am that I am” has sent you.

Moses: I don’t think that’s going to hold much water with The Man, but I’ll give it a shot.

Moses picks up his Nikes and walks away.

Burning Bush (in an irritated voice): This guy is such a PAIN. I don’t see how we’re going to make it through 40 years in the wilderness!

NEED TIME FOR COSTUME CHANGES AND MOVE PHARAOH’S THRONE ONTO STAGE

PROPS: Throne is placed in front of the room.
Pharaoh sits on the throne playing with an iPhone.

Moses is dressed as in the last scene, carrying his staff, but now he is wearing a cloak with a real-looking snake hidden inside. 

Have the plagues ready 
2. Frogs – Toy Frogs for the kids to throw
4. Wild Animals – masks for the little children
5. Hail – white puff balls for the kids to throw
6. Locusts – kids hold in their hands and run around with them
8. Boils: Pharaoh gets red stickers on face, “doctor” puts on white lab coat and gets Band-Aids on her face.

Narrator: Moses returns to Egypt, with his brother, Aaron, and attempts to gain an audience with Pharaoh. Act IV takes place in Pharaoh’s Palace. [NAME] plays the part of Pharaoh.

Act IV: Pharaoh’s Palace

Pharaoh is busy playing a game on his iPhone.

Moses approaches and waits for a moment, then clears throat.

Pharaoh gestures Moses to wait. A few moments go by.

Moses coughs more loudly.

Pharaoh remains occupied with his iPhone and gestures again for Moses to wait.

Narrator: 30 minutes later, Moses finally gets Pharaoh’s attention.

Pharaoh: You are telling me that your God says that I should let your people go. Who is your God? What is his name?

Moses: "I Am That I Am" has sent me!

Pharaoh: That doesn’t sound like the name of a God to me. That sounds more like a ROCK GROUP!

Moses: I’ll show you what my God can do.

Moses throws down his staff, covers it with his cloak. When he picks up his staff, now hidden by the cloak, the “real” snake is on the floor.

Pharaoh: That’s nothing. My magicians can do that too!

Moses: Yes, but look, my snake is eating up their snakes! Here is another thing I can show you to make you believe in the power of MY God. The water in the Nile will be turned to BLOOD.

Moses shows everyone a pitcher of clear water, turns his back to the audience, dumps powdered red Jell-O into the pitcher and turns around showing everyone the red water/blood.

Pharaoh: Ugh! That’s DISGUSTING!! How are we going to live without water to drink?

Narrator: Pharaoh initially says that he will let the Hebrews go, but he quickly changes his mind and says …

Pharaoh: No! 

Narrator: So God brings nine more plagues. Each time, Pharaoh initially says yes, but then he waffles and changes his mind.

Narrator announces each of the plagues.

2.    Frogs

Little children run around throwing frogs in the air. The family all sings the Frog Song.

3.    Lice

Moses says sarcastically to a scratching Pharaoh: Better call Lice Lifters

Pharaoh: (Calls on the iPhone) Hello? <pause>
Can we have an appointment – like RIGHT AWAY? The lice are taking over. <pause>
What? You are suddenly booked up for a MONTH? Ugh!!!

4.     Wild Animals

Little children run around with masks of wild animals and roar.

5.     Hail (The little children throw white balls in the air)

Pharaoh: Wow, we haven’t had this much hail since Thanksgiving! And that gravy was DEE-LISH!

6.     Locusts (The little children run around with the toy locusts)

Pharaoh: Oh no! The locusts are eating up all our crops. We’re going to STARVE! We’ll have to go to the Wawa in Syria!

7.     Vermin

Little children throw toy mice (cat toys) in the air.

8.     Boils
Pharaoh with red dots on face and hands: I’m waiting to see the doctor with all these boils.
Doctor (comes out with white lab jacket and band-aids all over)Who’s next?
Pharaoh: Why do you have all those band-aids on?
Doctor: I have boils all over. I’ve already seen 613 people today with them!

9.     Darkness

Pharaoh (eyes closed, feeling around with his hands): I can’t see a thing! Didn’t anybody pay the ELECTRIC BILL? How am I going to watch the 6 o’clock news?

10.  Killing of the firstborn

Pharaoh and Moses exit

Narrator: This plague was the worst. There was crying in every single Egyptian home, even in Pharaoh’s Palace. Now Pharaoh couldn’t wait to get rid of the Hebrews.

The night before leaving, the Hebrews ate the Passover meal, and the next day, they packed up only their most essential items because they could only take what they could carry. For Act V, we are somewhere in the Hebrew Village the morning they are leaving Egypt.

Act V: Somewhere in the Hebrew Village

The adults have been given their lines to say. They are numbered, but folded over so they can’t read them until now. The adults read them in order of the numbers. Each family can adjust the lines to reflect each individual's hobbies/interests.

1.     Adult 1 to Adult 2: Don’t forget your phone charger! 
[Picks up Adult 2’s backpack, and it’s super heavy] Ugh! What do you have in here, rocks?

2.     Adult 2: Yes, it’s my rock collection!

3.     Adult 3 to Adult 4: Have you seen the cords for my turntables?

4.     Adult 4 to Adult 3: I’ll help you find them if you can hold my yoga mat and the blender for my smoothies. 

5.     Adult 5 to Adult 6: Seriously, you’re going to take all your lights as well as your three cameras?! 

6.     Adult 6 to Adult 5: Why not? You’re taking your coffee pot and 50 pounds of coffee!

7.     Adult 5: Well you know, they don’t have Starbucks in the desert! 

8.     Adult 7: Come on everyone, I told you 30 minutes ago to put your shoes on. The caravan is about to leave!

Narrator: Eventually, Moses leads the Hebrews out of Egypt until they reach the Reed Sea. 

PROPS: Two blue sheets have been set out on the floor to represent the Reed Sea. Designated adults will lift the blue sheets when cued. 

Pharaoh puts on his helmet and sword and gets a little wagon with stuffed animals ready. It has the sign "Pharaoh’s Mighty Army."

Moses is dressed as in the previous scene.

ENTRANCES: Moses and other children representing the Hebrews enter the room. God can be heard but not seen.

Narrator: Now they have to figure out how to get across. Act VI takes place at the shore of the Reed Sea.

Act VI: At the shore of the Reed Sea

Moses: Good planning, God. You got us out of Egypt, but now we’re stuck at the sea. This is worse than trying to get out of [FAMILY VACATION LOCATION] on a Saturday morning!!!

God (not seen, but heard): Have faith, Moses! 

Moses (startled to hear God’s voice) What?! Is that God speaking??

God: I will part the waters, and you will walk across.

Moses: Walk through the MUD? I just got a new pair of Nikes! <Pause for laugh>

God: Oy! You and your Nikes!!! <Pause> It’s not enough that I’m going to part the waters for you? <Pause> Oh, alright, you win, you’ll walk on DRY LAND.

Stage Direction: The blue sheets are lifted. Moses and the Hebrews walk through the water to the other side.

Everyone: Yay, God saved us! We made it to the other side!!! 

Moses looks back through the parted sheets: Uh oh! Who is that coming? <looks hard> Oh no!!! It’s Pharaoh and his army!!! Good planning, God. I bet you didn’t see THAT move coming!

God: Oy! When will you EVER learn?!

Moses: Hey!

Pharaoh comes marching in with sword, pulling the wagon with all the stuffed animals that has a sign “Pharaoh’s Mighty Army.”

Pharaoh to his army: CHARGE!!!
Come back, you slaves! I need you to finish building my cities. 
You didn’t think you were going to get away THAT easily, did you?!

Pharaoh leads his army between the walls of water. But just as they get to the middle, the water/sheets come down, cover Pharaoh, and Pharaoh sinks to the floor, drowned. All the Hebrews cheer and sing: 

All: Ding dong, the Pharaoh’s dead. Phooey Pharaoh’s dead!
Little Children: Which old Pharaoh?
Moses: The phooey Pharaoh! Phooey Pharaoh’s dead!
All: Ding dong, the Pharaoh’s dead. Phooey Pharaoh’s dead!

The Hebrews dance around with tambourines.

Complete Ceremony

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