I remember as a young girl, reading the stories of our mothers – Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, of their barrenness and their frustration. It seemed so very foreign to me. "Barren" sounded like some kind of ancient affliction, and I wondered, in the bloom of my pre-feminist self, why it was so important for these women to bear children. Surely today a woman's worth is measured by her work and by her selfhood, not by the accident of maternity.
Now a mother myself, I understand better about the pain and trauma of infertility. Though we no longer use the word "barren," one in every four to five pregnancies is miscarried, and one in every seven women of childbearing age in America suffers with some form of infertility. And although the world has changed a lot since Sarah and Rachel, much remains the same. Not bearing children, whether by choice or not, remains stigmatized; the anguish of wanting children and not being able to have them is still every bit as great.
While death is publicly mourned, and divorce is at least acknowledged, couples coping with infertility often suffer in silence. We do not know that the woman sitting next to us in synagogue has been through umpteen rounds of fertility treatment, all to no avail. We often do not know about the miscarriages suffered, the failed treatments, the money gambled – all with no yield but disappointment. While mourners have memories, photo albums, names and stories, those who mourn a miscarriage have none of those tangible reminders of cherished hopes for a life lived and loved, however briefly. Those who suffer infertility have only empty cribs and well-wishers who too often say, "Just relax," unwittingly inflicting more distress.
For all of its acknowledgment of the agony of the "barren" matriarchs, Judaism has afforded little in the way of ritual and liturgical consolation to those who suffer infertility or early losses. Traditionally, there has been no ritual for miscarriage, and even a baby who died before its 30th day was accorded neither a funeral nor any of the rites of mourning. Our tradition, richly valuing children and family, has offered little to those who cannot share in that joy.
Perhaps, some suggest, the absence was really a form of thoughtfulness. Miscarriage and infant death were so common throughout most of history that it was a relief for the family not to have to endure the rites of mourning. Mothers, we are told, did not attach to their fetuses or infants as we do. Perhaps. Or perhaps the tradition did not adequately comprehend women’s physical and emotional suffering to create appropriate rituals of solace and renewal.
Whatever the historical justifications, today the absence is glaring. Not only do women and men continue to suffer infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth, but in the face of modern medicine, people are more likely to be surprised by our bodies' limitations and those of medicine. Moreover, we Jewish women have swelled the trend in delaying childbirth. We acquire years of advanced education, delay marriage, and still expect that when we are ready to have babies our bodies will be too. For these many reasons, infertility and early losses are a fact of life for contemporary Jewish women and men.
In recent years knowledgeable women have drawn on sources available to us from tradition and folkways; women rabbis and other leaders have created rituals for almost every step of the journey – prayers to conceive a child, mourning rituals for miscarriage, abortion and stillbirth, prayers while undergoing medical treatment, prayers for men to say, rituals to accept infertility and move forward. We offer a range of these rituals to you in the hope that you will find what you are looking for or at least the ideas you need to create it.
Like all new rituals, these ceremonies and prayers are in process. You may like some of what you find here and find other prayers or ceremonies which simply do not speak to you. There is no definitive rite for miscarriage or abortion. Rather, we are shaping that liturgy. What we offer you, on this site, is the best of what has been created to date – what you offer us, when you send in your ritual for posting, is the opportunity to continue to expand this body of liturgy, to refine it, and to make it accessible to more and more people.
A bibliographic note: the definitive work on Jewish infertility rituals has been done by Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin. Her book, Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope: A Jewish Spiritual Companion for Infertility and Pregnancy Loss, is rich with prayers, poems, stories and advice for every step on the various roads of infertility. Our site, which draws heavily on her material, will provide you with an introduction to this topic. If you are looking for a single prayer or ceremony, this is a good place to begin. However, if you are somewhere on the journey of fertility – praying for a child, mourning a miscarriage, pregnant after years of trying, undergoing medical treatment, abandoning fertility treatments or (more joyfully) beginning an adoption – please do buy her book, keep it next to your bed and turn to it for comfort and inspiration as you walk along this path.
This is a site for new Jewish rituals. In this section, as in every other section, we present the best rituals we could find, and articles which relate to them. Obviously, in the realm of infertility, there is much more a person needs, so please check out our resources and links section to find reputable sources for medical information, support, and advice.
Each of our barren foremothers – Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Hannah – was ultimately rewarded with the birth of a child. Unfortunately, life is not always so satisfying. Whether or not your journey ends in childbirth, we hope that the rituals and articles you find here offer you comfort and support along the way.
Rabbi Rona Shapiro
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