Lifecycles

While Judaism places great emphasis on our lives in this world, death is an inevitable end for all of us. Often Jews who have perhaps been distant from traditional Jewish practice for their whole lives seek the comfort of traditional Judaism in the face of death. For mourners, whose lives are often turned upside down by death, the traditional practices of mourning can provide structure and comfort.

On ritualwell, you will find a complete outline of the practices of mourning from the moment of death, to the burial of the body, the tearing of clothes, the weeklong practice of shiva, and the saying of kaddish. In this essay, we will trace some of the general themes which run through these practices.

● Judaism, unlike contemporary American culture, forces a confrontation with death. Mourners do not view the body dressed-up, embalmed, and looking alive, mourners watch as the casket is lowered into the grave, and they themselves shovel dirt onto the coffin. Whereas American practices seek to deny death, Judaism brings the mourner face to face with the momentous nature of this passing.

● Death is democratic. We all die. Consequently, Jewish mourning practices strive to emphasize human equality in death, irrespective of riches or fame. All are buried in plain white shrouds in a plain, undecorated pine box. As we enter the world, so we leave it. Judaism sought to make burial practices financially feasible for everyone so that families would not be bankrupted by funerals nor would the poor be forced to abandon their dead.

● Utmost respect is accorded to the met (corpse). The body is not left alone from the moment of death until it is buried. Shomrim (guards) watch over it, usually reciting Psalms. The chevra kadisha (burial society) bathes the body (tahara), dresses it in shrouds (tachrichin), and places it in the casket. All of this is done with utmost respect – in fact the members of the hevra kadisha apologize to the “met” in advance for any embarrassment they may cause.

● Death is natural as is the decomposition of the body. “For dust you are and to dust you shall return.” Hence bodies are not traditionally cremated or embalmed. A corpse is placed in the ground and nature takes its course.

● Mourners are also accorded great respect. They are freed from the obligations of work, business, cooking, and all other engagement with the world from the time of death to the end of shiva so that they can focus exclusively on mourning. Visitors to the home of a mourner are instructed to sit by the mourner and wait to speak until spoken to. Since one does not really know what the mourner’s needs at that moment are – to speak of their loss or of the beloved, to be distracted, to sit silently – one waits for direction.

● Mourning is considered very important and it is accorded an appropriate time and place. Shiva, the first week, is an intensive period during which the mourner abstains from all engagement with life. Shloshim, the first month, also maintains some of the practices of shiva while easing the mourner back into life. Those mourning a parent retain some of the practices of shloshim for a full year. However, just as mourning is given its due, it also has an end. A person is supposed to reengage with life gradually over the mourning period, and completely at its conclusion.

● The mitzvot related to burial are considered among the most sacred to perform. Unlike other mitzvot for which one might expect some return – if I invite you to my home for a meal, I can expect the invitation to be reciprocated – this mitzvah is seen as completely selfless. The dead cannot repay the favor.

Contemporary Practices

At various stages of death and mourning new questions present themselves.

Jews are enjoined to go to every length to preserve life, which is ultimately sacred, and, at the same time, not to place obstacles before the dying – in other words, to let them go when it is time. With advances in modern medicine, it becomes more difficult to determine which measures are preserving life and which are in the way of inevitable death. If facing such a situation, it is best to consult with a rabbi and doctors as well as one’s own conscience.

In terms of practices of mourning, there are two general tendencies: one is to lessen their severity and the other it to ape the practices of non-Jews. In terms of the first, many Jews shorten shiva to three days or even one. Some choose to bathe during shiva, go to the office, etc. Each person needs to figure out for herself and her family what makes the most sense for his or her situation. On the other hand, there is great wisdom in the tradition and one should not seek to circumvent it for the sake of convenience. Mourning cut short can reemerge at a later juncture.

In terms of following non-Jewish customs like embalming, cremating, an open casket, a wake, burial in vault, a fancy coffin made of something other than wood – these practices are generally to be avoided except where absolutely necessary. In most cases, they undermine the purpose of the tradition – if a plain pine box demonstrates equality, a mahogany casket with gold trim demonstrates the opposite. If we are to return to “dust,” embalming or above-ground burial stands in the way.

At times, the situation dictates a change in behavior. An airline usually requires that bodies being transported be embalmed; some states impose similar requirements. While a wake and an open casket are never appropriate Jewish practices, family members, particularly those who have come from afar, sometimes desire a last look at the deceased before burial. This can be arranged privately.

Cremation

Cremation is perhaps the most difficult issue. While it is strictly forbidden according to Jewish law and, for some, especially repugnant in light of the fact that  Jewish bodies were burned in the Holocaust, others deeply desire to be cremated. This can become a very difficult issue for a family, where different members may have conflicting feelings. Many feel that honoring the wishes of the dead is paramount. There are rabbis who will not officiate at a memorial for a person who has been cremated. On the other hand, regardless of whether the body is cremated or buried, all the practices of mourning remain in place, and the mourners are entitled to the same comfort and respect from the rabbi and all members of the community as any other mourner.

Women Saying Kaddish

Although ritualwell strives to bring particular attention to new feminist practices, it is hard to cite such practices with regard to death and mourning. One key issue in the Orthodox world is the question of kaddish. Traditionally, only men recited kaddish. However, long before the advent of modern feminism there were women who bristled at this idea. Henrietta Szold, the founder of Hadassah and a leader in the Zionist movement, wrote a now famous letter to a man who offered to say kaddish for her mother.

"I believe that the elimination of women from such duties was never intended by our law and custom – women were freed from positive duties when they could not perform them [because of family responsibilities] but not when they could. It was never intended that, if they could perform them, their performance of them should not be considered as valuable and valid as when one of the male sex performed them."

Today, there are a number Orthodox minyanim where women are welcome to participate and say kaddish. At the same time, this practice is far from universal and too often women find themselves doubly bereaved – bereaved of a loved one and shut out as full members of the community from which they derive comfort.

While our site offers some other new practices – prayers for lighting shiva and yahrzeit candles, planting trees, a ritual for someone completing a year of kaddish – few of these can be said to be feminist per se. My hunch is that especially here, in the face of death, Jews seek the comfort of tradition more than the power and efficacy which comes through the creation of new ritual.

Rabbi Rona Shapiro