Special Situations
Article
Interfaith Families
Most rabbis will not agree to perform a bar or bat mitzvah in the synagogue unless the child is being raised exclusively as a Jew. Even if that is the case, however, the non-Jewish parent may be much less familiar or comfortable with the goings-on in synagogue, and his or her extended family may never have been to a synagogue or bar or bat mitzvah. It is best to provide people as much information as you can beforehand about what to expect, what to wear, etc. It is also a good idea to talk these issues over with the rabbi early on so you know clearly what to expect. The non-Jewish parent should attend services at the synagogue with some regularity prior to the event so that he or she can familiarize himself with the service. Some families provide written guides distributed at the service so that those less familiar with the ritual can understand it. While every synagogue has different rules on the ritual role non-Jews are permitted, it is important that you find a role for non-Jewish parents and grandparents. This could be offering the child a blessing, giving them their tallit, reading a poem or prayer in front of the congregation, etc. Even when a parent is not Jewish, the bar or bat mitzvah can be a powerful moment at which he or she communicates his or her commitment to their family’s Jewish life.
Divorce
One word of advice: negotiate! Despite having divorced one another, you have not divorced your child and this day is for him or her. Negotiate upfront, early and often. Try to anticipate all the issues and discuss them ahead of time without the presence of your children – who will pay what? How will invitations be worded? Who will sit where? Who will say what? If you need the help of a third party to work out some of these issues, by all means engage them. It is possible to have a beautiful and meaningful event in which everyone feels included and respected, but you have to work it out beforehand.
Special Needs
All synagogues will accommodate the needs of a special needs child. There is no “set” amount that a child must do or perform to successfully be bar mitzvahed – all they have to do is turn 12 or 13. Work with the rabbi and tutor to create a service which will be doable and meaningful for your child. It is important that your child, like any other child, stretch on this day – that they feel a sense of accomplishment. That can look different for each child. Some of the most moving bar and bat mitzvah’s have been those of disabled children who are able to rise to the occasion in ways no one, most of all themselves, ever deemed possible.
