Bar and bat mitzvah, the Jewish ritual of coming of age, can be among the most meaningful of all lifecycle occasions. For many adult Jews, this occasion is particularly memorable, and for young people, much of the Jewish learning of their childhood–whether learning how to chant from the Torah and/or Haftorah or learning how to think and speak about the relevance of Torah to their lives–culminates in a special service, often accompanied by a party.
One actually becomes bar or bat mitzvah, which refers to reaching the age of mitzvot (the age at which one assumes adult responsibility according to Jewish law and is therefore responsible for one's own choices and behaviors) simply by arriving at one's thirteenth birthday. In many communities, girls become bat mitzvah at the age of twelve and boys at thirteen. It has long been customary to celebrate a bar mitzvah. Although bat mitzvah celebration is actually a 20th-century innovation, it can be especially important. Recent studies show that adolescent girls receive the message in contemporary popular culture that they are more valued for how they look than for their accomplishments. Bat mitzvah is a partial antidote to dangerous messages sent to girls, because it sends the message that girls, like boys, are valued for their learning. At this moment when girls often retreat and lose some of their exuberance, Jewish communities encourage them to chant before a crowd, offer a public teaching, and in general to receive support on the threshold of adulthood.
Although bar and bat mitzvah celebration is widely observed, it is also among the more difficult observances to do well. Managing adolescent needs and adult needs, balancing a synagogue service against the actual religious practice of the family, managing a synagogue service over which you have little authority, hosting family members, many of whom are not observant, some of whom may not be Jewish, in a religious Jewish setting, hosting an appropriate party for your guests without it being too much – the challenges are sometimes mind-boggling!
In addition to the many resources you will find in our bibliography (especially Putting God on the Guest List: How to Reclaim the Spiritual Meaning of Your Child's Bar or Bat Mitzvah by Rabbi Jeffrey K. Salkin, Jewish Lights, 1993), we offer a few words of cautious advice:
Focus on the Year, Not the Day
However wonderful the service and parties may be, the whole thing will be over in less than 24 hours. After a wedding, a couple has a marriage. After a bar or bat mitzvah, if a child is to have something beyond thank-you notes to write, the focus will have to be more comprehensive than the day itself. There are many ways to do this meaningfully:
• If your child is studying Torah, you might learn the Torah portion together with her! You can learn as a pair or a family, with a tutor or without, but decide that for a year or so, you will take this project on meaningfully and set aside fixed time to do some studying together. Any Jewish text – a tractate of Mishna, a chapter of Gemara, a Jewish novel, or a work of history – is fair game. Many resources are available in English (see bibliography) on learning Torah, and rabbis or other learned individuals can help guide your study. Some families hold a siyum, a celebration upon completing a section of learning, as the bar/bat mitzvah celebration.
• Decide upon a tzedakah project in which you will seriously engage. Educate yourselves about the issues and get involved in something in a personal way – whether it is weekly volunteering at a homeless shelter, reading to a blind person, being a Big Brother or Sister, or the like.
• For a bar or bat mitzvah to be meaningful, it has to relate in an integral way to the family's actual practice of Judaism. If you are not especially observant, you might want to think about ways your family can re-engage with Jewish tradition – celebrating Shabbat in some meaningful way (such as lighting candles and having a regular Friday night dinner), observing Jewish holidays, attending synagogue. If religious life is not right for your family, you might want to consider also marking your child's coming of age outside of the context of the synagogue. Think about what would be meaningful to your child and your family that is congruent with your values – a family backpacking trip? A ritual you create? A serious study of something and a presentation of the project to assembled guests? Something that needs doing in your city or town that you could do and celebrate? A trip to Israel? Whatever you do, find a way to celebrate the bar or bat mitzvah in a way reflects your values and practices.
Synagogue is Synagogue
In synagogue it is customary that the bar or bat mitzvah have an aliyah to the Torah for the first time. He or she may also chant the haftorah and/or part or all of the Torah portion and, in some cases, lead part or all of the service. Usually, the bar or bat mitzvah will expound on the weekly torah portion and share some of what he or she has learned over the past year. It is also appropriate for the rabbi to offer a misherberach (a special prayer) for the child. Other activities – the giving of a special tallit, the bar or bat mitzvah's thank-you's, the parents' and grandparents' formal praise of their offspring – can be more meaningful and more tasteful if they are part of a party where only invited guests are in attendance.
A Se'udat Mitzvah
The bar or bat mitzvah party is a se'udat mitzvah – an obligatory feast just like a wedding or a bris. And certainly you should feast! The question for many of us is how to restore the mitzvah to the feast. A few ideas follow:
• Donate a portion of what you spend on the party to tzedakah, and let your guests know that you are doing so. Invite them to make a donation in honor of the bar or bat mitzvah in lieu of a gift.
• Hold a kiddush/luncheon at the synagogue after services to which everyone is invited. These affairs are usually more modest than those held in hotels or catering halls, and you can extend your joyous occasion to the whole community. At one wedding I attended, it was the custom of the synagogue that all weddings be held at the synagogue, and the meal was catered by the Sisterhood. The fare was lovely, though modest, and had the advantage of being identical for each couple; rich and poor alike had the same wedding party.
• Name your tables after Jewish women in history. Put a picture of the woman on each table along with a short biography researched by the bat mitzvah. Visit The Jewish Women's Archive for a wonderful bat mitzvah guide that expands on this idea!
• Throughout Jewish history, rabbis have enacted sumptuary laws prohibiting expenditures on simchas from exceeding a certain amount. Although no rabbi has that kind of power today, and standards of consumption vary greatly from family to family and community to community, you should strive to plan a party that reflects the sacredness of the occasion.
Once you start thinking along these lines, you will come up with the right celebration for you! In the words of Rabbi Salkin, author of Putting God on the Guest List, "...these are the answers: Jewish celebrations that celebrate Jewish values. The educational and spiritual part of bar and bat mitzvah can extend beyond the final hymn at the service. It can permeate the lives of our young, and it can enrich what they take with them into the world!"
by Rabbi Rona Shapiro, founding editor, ritualwell.org
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