Making Connections in Life's Final Moments
Found In: Preparing for Death
By Rabbi Natan Fenner
It is an incredible and humbling privilege to sit with people who are dying.
Communication tends to be very different—colored by the awareness of life's ebbing and often constrained (though sometimes eased, or deepened) by the dying person's limited capacity for verbal expression or wakeful energy. Family members and caregivers who are present often experience heightened anxiety about saying or doing the right thing and about the sudden importance of minute gestures and decisions. Visitors, whether well or dying, may feel particularly vulnerable, helpless, or disoriented in unfamiliar spiritual terrain and may naturally choke up when trying to acknowledge the profound and poignant losses everyone is feeling or facing.
In that context, it can be calming, consoling, and healing to silently hold someone's life-worn hands, look into their eyes, or freely speak words of love and caring.
I find the structure of vidui (acknowledgement or forgiveness) liturgy to be helpful in permitting and encouraging people to express pent-up fears, yearnings, and heartfelt prayers.
From the nightly bedtime shema to the extended Yom Kippur confessional and the various versions of vidui addressing life threatening illness or mortality, most forms of the liturgy include pleas for forgiveness and shalom, as well as humble acknowledgements of our wrongdoing and mortality.
When guiding people through these passages, I usually pause between sections and invite everyone present to use the different themes as prompts for their own heartfelt words of forgiveness, gratitude, blessing or well-wishing for one another. We often form circles, holding hands, pouring out love aloud and silently—even when the dying person is apparently unconscious or unresponsive.
A vidui ritual can open channels of communication on multiple levels, and can help transform moments of anxiety and concern into moments of comfort and connection. Examples of vidui prayers can be found on Ritualwell and elsewhere on the internet. A rabbi or professional chaplain can be a helpful resource in introducing, framing, or guiding one through a vidui ritual.
Natan Fenner is a Reconstructionist rabbi and a Board Certified Chaplain at the Bay Area Jewish Healing Center in San Francisco. He provides spiritual care to those facing illness and bereavement, and coordinates BAJHC's Torah Reflections series.